Forgive or Self Destruct

In today’s sermon (https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/grace-community-church/id573563553?mt=2&l=fr&ign-mpt=uo%3D4) I ended talking about the consequences of unresolved forgiveness. Here’s the full information on that, taken from Grace’s marriage counseling resources:

HARD MODEL

H = Hurt

  • Hurts are the origin of most negative behavior
  • Hurt is the response to an external ACT—our RESPONSE to the act is the hurt!
  • Why someone feels hurt:
    • Wounded Feelings—emotional state negatively altered (happy-mad)
    • Threats to self—feel at risk-physically or emotionally (embarrassed, abusive language, lack of trust)
    • Personalizedinjustice—external acts—seem unfair or inappropriate
  • Three reactions to hurt:
    • Repress – deny event happened/deny hurt feelings (Raised in abusive environment as child)
    • Suppress – keep feelings bottled up inside (unfortunately hurts accumulate)(packing clothes in suitcase)
    • Express – Verbally and nonverbally
  • Expressing hurt is when you:
    • Realize the event happened
    • Recognize your hurt feelings because of the event
    • Choose to take some form of action
  • Verbal expressions are very common.
  • Nonverbal expressions are:
    • Withdraw (mild form)
    • Pounding fist on the table (moderate form)
    • Abusive acts toward self or one another (extreme)
      • Affairs, pornography, breaking things
    • Passive-Aggressive

Unresolved hurt leads to…

A = Anger

  • Anger is an emotion (Eph. 4:26-In your anger do not sin)
  • 3 Key aspects of anger:
    • Anger is an emotion
    • Anger is caused
    • Anger is directed somewhere
  • 4 ways people deal with anger:
    • Repress–push into unconsciousness – denying it
    • Suppress—hot thoughts
    • Express in negative way–retaliate
    • Express in a positive way—identify and solve the problem
  • To direct anger properly, it must be managed
  • 3-step process to manage anger:
    • Feel the anger
    • Allow time for the intense feelings to pass (Diffusion time scale 1-10, if 8-10, wait until down to 2)
    • Search for causes (wounded feelings, threats, injustice, embarrassed)
  • Difference between diffusion and suppressed anger (Bottled up over time)
  • Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. (Ephesians 4:26-27, ESV)
  • Recall a recent event where you got angry and directed it toward a person who wasn’t the problem—then analyze what was the real problem

Unprocessed anger leads to:

R = Resentment

  • Sunglasses: resentment becomes a filter through which you see everything and everyone
  • The result is negativity.
  • The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks. (Luke 6:45, ESV)
  • The tongue becomes a thermometer measuring the bitterness of the heart.

Unconfessed resentment leads to:

D = Destruction

  • Destruction is the cumulative damage that results from the hurt-anger-resentment cycles over time
  • Destruction surfaces across the three areas of a Christian’s life:
    • Physical Effects: High Stress, High BP, insomnia, sluggishness, headaches, weight loss or gain
    • Soul Effects: Anxiety, confusion, racing thoughts, scrambled thoughts, depression
    • Spiritual Effects:  Relationship with God struggles; unwilling to attend church, join a small group. Feelings of hopelessness and hostility toward God.